There is no witty title

I am not doing well….

Depression has been sneaking in and it let in schizophrenia.

I am working too many hours too, but it is hard to turn them away because I need the money. Tomorrow I am getting my first day off in a very long time. There is nothing they can do to make me work. I need this day off.

My few moments alone I am trying to find time to meditate, and when I can it helps. My real problems are the mental illness. It is hard to meditate when there is a voice in your head telling you how worthless you are.

I have been reading Dharma, and listening to Dharma and Zen talks and teachings in the mornings, and they help a lot. Yesterday should have been a good day, nothing bad happened and work was not bad. The people are wonderful,but I managed to let the crazy slip, and I just kinda lost it. After working over 12 hours I collapsed in my mom’s front yard and just cried for a little while.

As it stands I can not get an apartment, seems I owe $8,000 that I do not know I owe. Once I get an itemized bill I will look over it, but I really do not know how I owe so much. Yesterday,knowing I could do nothing about it, I did not let myself worry about it.

This morning after a troubled sleep from taking too much allergy medicine by mistake, I find that yesterday my daughter did not do her homework and my son only did half of the dishes.

I was at work, there were lots of other people here. This is the 5th time my daughter did not do her homework this month. Since I am in town my Mom and James have been leaving a lot of that kind of stuff up to me. I get that, and I am not complaining. I can not do these things while I am at work. I got back after bed time, I trusted that other people would be doing things.

I trusted my daughter to get her homework done, I trusted my son to do all the dishes. I trusted James to make sure this was done so that my mother would not yell and scream and maybe kill us all.

Somewhere something has to give… I can not do it all. I did the dishes but there is nothing that can be done about the homework. In about a month I will be homeless. If worse comes to worse I can get a motel room, but that will cost so much it will be impossible to save up anything.

My mother dose not care that she is triggering my schizophrenia, and if I ask for any help I am greeted with uncaring comments  and more negativity. I just want a little help… Something… I feel alone, and lost, and I can not even get someone to make sure the kid’s homework done while I am at work.

I am not suicidal, but I am getting to the point where I just can not do it anymore…